


Absence of Light

by itsabrandnewday



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 17:22:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2033499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsabrandnewday/pseuds/itsabrandnewday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You are a damn fool, Oliver." </p><p>Oliver Queen paused on the steps at Diggle's words. He had no doubt in his mind what John Diggle's issue with him this time was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absence of Light

**Author's Note:**

> "Yes, I do. Because once you let the darkness inside, it never comes out." Helena Bertinelli
> 
> Darkness: absence or deficiency of light

"You are a damn fool, Oliver."

Oliver Queen paused on the steps at Diggle's words. He had no doubt in his mind what John Diggle's issue with him this time was. He'd finally taken Felicity home after the mandatory 24 hours of supervision due to her head wound. Diggle hadn't protested when he found out Oliver wanted to take Felicity to dinner on an actual date. He'd been a cheerleader by encouraging Felicity when Oliver's 180 left her confused. After he'd convinced Felicity Oliver meant no harm, Diggle had appeared in front of Oliver the surrogate big brother. A friendly warning was issued and then a clap on the back and a muttered "about time" sealed his approval.

Oliver wished he'd been more stern with the warning and less enthusiastic about their date. Diggle had insinuated Oliver should get his head out of his ass many times and a handful had been regarding Felicity. There hadn't been any condemnation when Oliver carried an injured Felicity into the Foundry even though Oliver was knee deep in guilt.

"I didn't mean for her to get hurt. You know I don't want her to get hurt, Digg." Oliver stated as if the simple explanation would appease Dig. He knew though it wouldn't. Digg had settled in for a conversation which Oliver knew he wasn't about to get out of. 

"If you think I'm talking about her getting injured in the explosion you are dumber than I give you credit for. I am referring to the walls you've been rebuilding since you carried her in here. You worked double time to get them constructed when you laid her on the table." Diggle crossed his arms as Oliver reached the Foundry floor. "You don't think I wouldn't recognize when the almighty Oliver Queen is distancing himself from one of the few people who genuinely cares for him?"

"Maybe it is better this way, Dig. We couldn't even make it through the first date. Why have a dozen or more successful ones before it all gets blown to shit - literally or figuratively. I'm not good for her. I knew it when we brought her in. I knew it when I fooled Slade. I knew it when I asked her out." Oliver reached for his quiver and a bucket of tennis balls. 

"You are not going to avoid me. We are going to talk about this because you need to get your head on straight before you talk to that girl. She's special, Oliver, and you can't shut her out. Let's get your head screwed on straight so I don't have to share mint chocolate chip ice cream with her." 

Oliver looked over at Diggle who hadn't moved. He appeared to be leaning back casually against Felicity's desk. Everything about the man was deceptive. In such close quarters he'd been aware of everything which happened in Oliver's life. The hardest conversation Oliver had ever been a part of was when he told Diggle how they fooled Slade into taking Felicity. Oliver knew Digg wouldn't have supported allowing Felicity to be taken. Oliver also knew Digg wouldn't give him an easy out on what transpired in the foyer of his former home. It had been an excruciating hour between the two men. Before it had been over Oliver had admitted to the truth in his declaration of love. Diggle had only smiled knowingly and remarked "admitting is the first step."

"What do you want me to say, Diggle? It didn't work out. I knew it wasn't going to work out and I asked anyway." Oliver dropped the bucket of tennis balls and a few bounced across the floor. 

"I don't think you wanted it to work out." 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Oliver's fists clenched.

"You know what I'm talking about. You've been looking for an excuse to not commit to Felicity as deeply as she's committed to you. Hell you fucked Isobel and Sara knowing the entire time it wasn't what you wanted and you were only hurting yourself."

"Sara and I are the same. It was supposed to work out. It could have worked out if she hadn't made a deal with the League." Oliver reached for the bottle of scotch which had somehow survived the attack on the Foundry.

"Bullshit. You knew it would never work between you and Sara when you boarded the Gambit and you knew it would never work out with her when she came back. Sara was an easy lay. Let's be honest all you've been needing since you returned is the sexual release. You've closed yourself off to everyone including your mother and your sister. A girlfriend wasn't going to break down those walls." Diggle uncrossed his arms but didn't move from his spot. The two men stood on opposite sides of Felicity's desk. Oliver noted they'd made Felicity the buffer even while she wasn't present. Felicity was always the one preventing conversations from escalating and being the voice of reason.

"Sara can handle what I am because she experienced the same hell I did. She wears the same scars and has committed the same crimes. Felicity has broken a few laws, but she's not a killer. I'm dark, Digg, Felicity is light and happiness."

"What is darkness, Oliver? It isn't the opposite of light. Darkness is the absence of light. If you want to break out of the darkness, you need to allow some light in your life."

"Felicity is more than welcome to return to her chair." Oliver waved a hand in the direction of the empty chair. "I won't bring her down though. Even her light isn't enough to overcome my darkness." 

"You are scared your world is going to touch hers," Digg stated. "I get it. I do. Sometimes we get asked to do things we think no one will forgive us for. You killed to survive and I killed to preserve freedom. We are killers, Oliver. We can't give back the lives we stole. However, your world has already touched Felicity's and I don't see her running."

"If she was smart. she would."

"You want to rethink that statement? Felicity is the smartest woman I know. Smarter than the two of us combined. She read between your bullshit lies from the first day. She also recognized something in you which caused her to trust you when all you'd done is attempt to lie to her. She joined us to find Walter and stayed because she found a purpose. Our lives have already touched her."

Oliver sighed and ran his hands over his head, "there is so much you don't know, Diggle. Things you might not be able to overlook if you knew."

"Do you know what I realized when I was stationed overseas? Regardless of where you are fighting a war, there are couples finding love. Bombs can be going off in marketplaces and weddings will still happen the following weekend. Gunfire can surround a couple and they'll still walk down the road holding hands. In this world of darkness, you have to embrace any light you can. If you put it off until the darkness is gone, Oliver, you'll die with regrets. You'll wish you had taken the chance to tell Felicity you aren't the heartless SOB you appear to be. You wouldn't lie to her about your feelings and then send her off to die. I know you wouldn't. She knows you wouldn't even if she is allowing you to live in denial."

"I didn't send her off to die, Digg." Oliver kicked the bucket of tennis balls which scattered like shattered glass.

"Could she have died, Oliver? Slade could have walked in and killer her in your foyer. You told her you loved her because part of you knew there might not be another chance. If she had died that night, you'd have admitted it to her. You would have absolved yourself by having said it. Unfortunately, you are a cowardly ass and didn't tell her again on the beach."

"She wasn't going to die."

"You keep saying it like there wasn't a chance. Why did you tell her you loved her? Man, it isn't hard to say it. Admit what was going on in your head when you said it."

Oliver spun away from Digg's knowing gaze. His shoulders rose and fell as he took deep, calming breaths.

"She could have died. When she was looking up at me ready to face the revenge Slade had planned for me, I couldn't breath. I almost chickened out, but instead I told her I loved her. Because she is the best damn thing to have happened to me even before the island. Even my mother didn't support me the way Felicity has. My entire existence has been about meeting other's expectations and Felicity has none for me. She challenges me, but even if she thinks I'm capable of more she never bails. It hurts, Digg. It hurts more than you can know because I want to give her the world, but my world is shit. Death and pain exist in my world and she deserves roses and candlelight dinners."

"Has she asked for roses and candlelight dinners?"

"What? No. She deserves to be cherished though."

"Who do you think can cherish her more than you do? Felicity hasn't asked for things. She isn't the girl who wants to be showered with gifts and pampered with an easy life. You've found a woman who will roll up her sleeves and work beside you. Don't take it for granted, Oliver. Not everyone gets a chance with someone who loves them unquestioningly." Digg stood and reached for his jacket.

"What if I'm not enough for her?" Oliver turned slowly to face Digg.

"I think you know you already are. She isn't asking for anything from you. She's one of a kind. I don't doubt she'd sit down here with you until you were too old to suit up again. If you are so worried she deserves more, give her more. Be the one she shares her ice cream with. Be the shoulder she leans on while she tries to watch one more episode of whatever is filling up her DVR. Be the one who fills her wine glass when she's running low and her day has been difficult."

"You really believe it is that simple?"

"I think loving Felicity will be the most simple thing you can ever do. You already love her. Stop being afraid to show her. I'm out of here. Lyla has cravings and I told her I'd be home almost an hour ago."

"You've got a good woman, Digg."

"You do too if you don't let her slip through your fingers." Digg clapped Oliver on the back.


End file.
